in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

Archive for the ‘Ugh’ Category

In which kitteh smacks her head and refocuses

Quite a while back (like, before the holiday madness started) I realized that what I really wanted to do this year was just STOP the crazehs and the focus on food. Eat good, wholesome, healthy food and not count anything, including carbs, and see how my body behaved.  You may recall that I lost about 11 lbs doing that for about six weeks.

Then Holidaze Crazeh. Traveling to literally six parties a week, some on the same night, for work/church/kid things, for three weeks. For the party circuit, I decided to make the best choice available, not eat things I was allergic to, but not stress about “hidden” allergens (like whether the sauce on the chicken kebob had gluten). Then came Christmas and the flu, then came the New Year and all my “magic date” stuff got totally triggered by the Whole30 thing.

So today I realized that DESPITE the fact that I already KNOW I want to go into a non-rules-focused mode, I picked a very rulesy Thing to do, and set up a Magic Date to start it, and BOY has Lil Kitteh had fun thwarting me.

So, enough of this self sabotaging stuff. I’ve had three more or less OK days for Whole30, but W30 wants PERFECTION (trigger) from a BEGINNING TO END DATE (triggers) with a lot of RULES (trigger).

My 3 days of w30 failure would have been 3 days of great on my “what works for me” plan.

So that’s what I will be focusing on. Eating nothing I am allergic to, all whole foods, and NOT eating when I am not hungry. The only “rule” is going to be around evening eating – I want to not do much of that, so I can get my leptin sorted out and be ready for breakfast on time.



So what’s up?

I have been thinking of doing a post here since I woke up this morning – three or four times I had the thought, the first in ages. But one thing and one thing only finally drove me to the screen.  Between the final closing of Google Reader (and resulting quest to transfer my reading list), the move, the upcoming Test for DH, and the vacation, I fell way behind on blogs. Today, trying to catch up, I saw this on Momastery:

When I fall into the hole – I forget everything. Like what makes me happy and what it is that I DO HEREand how I feel about people and how to do my jobs and everything I’ve learned about life, relationships  and courage. It’s like when a computer gets a virus and all the data is wiped out. It’s all gone. Everything that I thought made me, me. Lost. I forget what words I’m supposed to say and what facial expressions are appropriate, which is why I spend a lot of time looking very blank and refusing to answer the phone or the door. Everything’s BLANK. And the only, ONLY thing that comforts me in the BLANK is food. Namely sugar and carbs. Lots of them. It’s like being very, very stoned but instead of giggling I feel like crying all the time.

This is me.

So I’m not exactly depressed. At least, not like I have been before. It is isolated to the issue of Health — not just weight loss, but my physical presence on this planet.

Carb Night Solution was a failure–the carb nights made me miserably sick for days. The Ultra Low Carb part was fine, but the food gets super boring fast and the choice is so limited I know I am begging for a new sensitivity to develop. Paleo/Primal was a failure–the carb counts allowed by even just root vegetable sare enough to start off crazy carb cravings that, if satisfied, make me sick for days. Read Mastering Leptin and thought it was a great find – and am currently on Day 2 of the suggested supplements –it doesn’t stop me from wanting only sugar and carbs (and crying).

So this morning’s thought was: what do I do NOW? I thought of writing a post and asking for opinions, and then thought that it was pretty pathetic and would probably just be irritating to everyone else. But frankly I got nothin’ that makes me feel like shouldering the task again.

Here are the options I am considering:

1. Go back to packets: even more restrictive, but hard to mess up. More balanced, less likely to cause problems, can be easily integrated with the Leptin 5 rules (see below). Plus I already have a ton of them, so using them up seems like a good idea – even if I only do it for a set period (3 months?)

2. Go back to Ultra Low Carb. At least there is some variety? But it’s very restrictive, very easy to mess up, and after reading the Leptin book I feel like I finally understand possible negative consequences. Also take a lot more planning and coordination than opening a packet, and I spend a lot of time thinking about food. It’s a weird thing for me – thinking about it, then wanting to EAT it. Addicts should probably not spend time thinking about their addiction, if you know what I mean.

3. Say screw it and become the size of a house. (This actually has a LOT of appeal, but obvious negative consequences, starting with the fact that I feel like poop.)

Truth is, I have never enjoyed as much success as I did on packets. They are laughably easy. The only regrettable thing is, they require a lot of willpower. And my will power is tired.

Oh, the Rules from Mastering Leptin – Here’s a blurb and the text of the Rules:

The Leptin Diet: Five rules that prevent/correct insulin resistance, leptin resistance, adrenaline resistance, fatigue and mood problems. They promote a metabolic balance that leads to relatively easy fat burning, even for those who have struggled with their weight.

Rule 1: Never eat after dinner. Allow 11-12 hours between dinner and breakfast. Never go to bed with a full stomach. Finish dinner at least 3 hours before bed.

So that’s basically to capture 11-12 hours of fat burning, like in IF, and I was doing that anyway on packets. Harder to do on ULC.

Rule 2: Eat no more than 3 meals a day. Allow 5 to 6 hours between meals. Do not snack. (Snacking disrupts leptin and throws it out of balance, shutting of fat burning time, making a person want to eat more at the next meal, which then flares up leptin resistance.) If you sleep in on a weekend day, eat 2 meals, both slightly larger than usual.

Note: Individuals in a metabolically weakened condition may have trouble going five to six hours between meals, regardless of what they eat. This weakness manifests itself as low blood sugar symptoms between meals. It is reflective of congested or inflamed liver, similar to flabby, out of shape or hurting muscles. Just as exercise needs to be improved gradually to help the muscles, eating patterns and time between meals may need gradual improvement. Eat four smaller meals a day, four hours apart, with ten hours between dinner and breakfast. Eventually they will notice they can eat the three meals a day and feel good energy all day.

Of course, packets violate this, kinda – but not really because the science behind this is to avoid the secondary insulin spike and to let the body reset between meals. Since your “meal” is so tiny on packets, it does not take the full time to re-set.

Rule 3: Do not eat large meals. Try to finish a meal when you are slightly less than full. Eating slowly is important.

Rule 4: Eat a breakfast containing protein.

Rule 5: reduce the amount of carbohydrates you eat.

Those hardly bear commentary, right?

Reading on, they also advocate exercise, more important to be consistent than intense, in order to (a) use up what you just ate,, (b) use up the byproducts of converting food to energy, (c) get into fat stores.


This is a total too-long-didn’t-read, but in case you are still with me, I think the way is (distressingly, depressingly) clear.


On the bright side? Jenn at overcomingovereating had trouble getting results on Medifast and went to the dieticians and got a modified plan.

I think I need to give myself some period of time and then if not enough results, talk to actual advisors.

Will ponder how long that is and post more later.



I’ve been sick

One of my mom’s very favorite jokes* is about an elephant and mouse who meet each other in the jungle. The mouse looks at the elephant, and loooks down at himself. He looks back up at the elephant, and back down at himself again.

elephant mouse


Finally, he looks back at the elephant and says….

“I’ve been sick.”

Yeah, I can identify, little mouse.


I HAVE been sick, but like the size disparity in mouse and elephant, that does not really account for, explain, or excuse my current situation. Due to about 100 little things and a couple big ones, mostly at work, I have been SICK at my stomach, but I have also been:

  • sad
  • angry
  • frustrated
  • tired
  • pissed off
  • stymied
  • exhausted
  • stressed
  • gritting my teeth
  • overly emotional
  • mad

And Lil Kitteh thought that maybe I just:

  • needed the comfort of “real” food
  • deserved to have whatever I wanted because I was stressed
  • deserved to be eating badly and feeling badly because I wasn’t able to solve the real problems (so I should be punished)
  • needed the escape of eating until I was numb

And really, all it did was:

  • make me feel worse emotionally
  • make me feel worse physically
  • distract me from what I COULD HAVE been working on
  • compound my physical illness and lengthen it

It really was not that bad–things like a biscuit with my eggs for a planned healthy dinner (but not 3 or 4 binge biscuits as I once would have done). Or having that glass of wine I wasn’t going to have. My calories have all been south of 1000, every single day. But my body is SO VERY RESPONSIVE to increased carbs that today, my scale said 299.0.**

kitteh horror

I’m back on track today. And I am on track NOT because I am excited/motivated/happy/eager, but because I am completely aware that if I don’t do this now, I will be on an increasingly fast fall back into the hell I so recently escaped.

I don’t feel motivated. But I do feel determined. A little bit angry. A lot ashamed. A lot frustrated. But mostly determined. Can’t undo it–but I can STOP doing it again.

determination cat 1


*Trust me when I say, her OTHER favorites are even worse. Yeah, explains a lot, doesn’t it?

**I don’t think that’s real. But it IS sobering.

Moanday report (that isn’t)

Today I got up so ill that I did not even weigh. I know, when your tummy is hating you, you should weigh LOWER, right? But I never do. I can spend hours in the bathroom (TMI) and feel like I have lost every bit of innards I have, and weigh HEAVIER. So today, I did not weigh.

I am disgruntled today for no good reason, other than perhaps the bare fact of being ill. Why ill? No clue. Upset tummy, feeling massively stressed.


What I would like to do: nap, or read (fiction) in bed (preferably while eating) or drink something tasty and numbing. Do NOT want to be at work (although generally I love my work). Have work event tonight that I MUST attend, won’t be home until rather late. Can’t stay home tomorrow either.

I want to eat for PURELY emotional reasons. Never a good feeling. Since my work event will feature bad for me foods, I am going to eat lunch today instead of dinner and have eggs (a big omelette) and salad. Hopefully that will quiet the beast.

What I REALLY need to do: figure out what’s going on in my head that is stressing me out.

2 perfect days, and more brutal honesty

I’ve been thinking a lot about when “this” program works and when it does not–although what I REALLY should say is, what variations I make will change it so much that it will stop working. Here are my conclusions:

1A. When I approach the diet as “eat five packets and one reasonably healthy meal and that’s all.” I maintain.

2A. When I approach the diet as “eat five packets and one DIET meal, very low carb and low cal, to stay in ketosis and take in few calories,” I lose. Perhaps not as fast as some, but I DO lose, and lose fairly steadily.

I kind of knew that, right? But it is something I have had to learn OVER AND OVER apparently. “Lean and green” meal is not code for “eat one healthy meal.” It is code for “abide by strict dieting principles for one dose of protein and fiber.”

But what I have confronted over the last two days is that I have not REALLY been maintaining since July, as I decided to do. I FELT like I was. I even went into a smaller size jean. But the truth is, over that six months or so that i was not doing 1 or 2 (more below on what I really WAS doing, especially on vacation days), I was actually gaining a tiny bit at a time. Not much–less than 8 lbs over the six months, so less than 2 lbs a month. BUT PEOPLE!! That would be the equivalent of gaining SIXTEEN POUNDS  A YEAR!! And no sign that it would stop.

So what was I doing, while I was inching up, itty bitty bit at a time?

Well, first, I was not weighing every day. Why? Because I didn’t expect to see a loss so why bother. LESSON: need to monitor CLOSELY, all the TIME.

I was NOT doing No. 1, above, for part of that time. I was doing it for some, which is why I think my rate of gain was as slow as it was. Instead, on vacation (on purpose) and later on, all the time, I fell into approaching food as either:

1B.  “eat five packets and one whatever I want meal, including dessert, I will maintain” (Not true, I will steadily gain. Not much at a time, but steady.)

2B. “eat regular but healthy meals and watch calories and I will maintain.” (Ditto)

3B. “eat five packets and a reasonable healthy meal (so far so good) but add alcohol in at night and I will maintain” (Not true. NOT TRUE!!!)

So there you have it.

I honestly have NO IDEA what happens when I am ready to maintain for real–hoping by then my activity level will be up enough (and my muscle mass back up enough) that it will be easier to maintain. But I can see it is going to require constant vigilance.

Meanwhile… I guess it is not surprising that coming back from one of these B’s to No. 1A did nothing except let me maintain.


No matter, I am back to No. 2A: “eat five packets and one DIET meal, very low carb and low cal, to stay in ketosis and take in few calories,” and I fully expect to keep losing.

Down 2 more today, in fact–and (TMI warning) I have changed my get up time by more than 1.5 hours, and my digestion hasn’t caught up yet 🙂 so I am not weighing empty, as it were. (Hey! You were warned!!) Oh, and (more TMI), I am already sore and spotting, so hormones are definitely at work. Kind of hoping to end this cycle back where I started at the beginning of July, but we’ll see. Either way, I’m on the 2A train!


A facebook friend of mine uses this hashtag when she goes to the gym and does not want to. I am not going to the gym, but that pretty much describes my weekend.

Getting back on track as a CONCEPT is always more fun than doing it. Since starting on Wednesday, I did NOT:

-eat bread at Longhorn with the family, or order anything even quasi-carby like sweet potato (just veggies) and I did not even eat all of my entree, saved half for another dinner

-eat birthday cake at EITHER of two parties I attended with my kids

-eat anything naughty at sushi with the family

-touch any of the dozens of bits of leftover NYE candy, which I meant to take to church group and forgot

-touch any of the bite sized brownies that were left over from what I had to buy at the last minute to replace the dessert I was supposed to bring (see above, epic fail)

-drink anything off plan, even when gaming through the weekend at night with DH

-Cheat in any way

As a reward, I am… no, wait. No reward yet. 🙂 I am still above pre-holiday weight-lost 11 lbs the first day (yeah, for realz) then several more, then bounced up when I contracted some sort of tummy bug that has made NOT eating off plan more tricky, since the fiber in the Noms can be hard on a sensitive tummy.

BUT. BUUUUUUUT. I am confident that the reward WILL come. Like last January, I am not even going to ask the “is it working” question until at least March. Because by then, I will see it working.

Sorry for the bleh post–I was sick all night, and as a “reward” my body weighed… two pounds heavier. Yeah, not surprising, that’s how my body ALWAYS does when I am sick. But it is still annnnoy-ring, as No. 2 would say. 🙂

Moanday – for realz

I have let myself get completely exhausted.

First, there were the things beyond my control: a lot of travel in a row, two sick kids, a lot going on at school and church. Then there were the things I COULD control: my bedtime, my water intake (nothing makes me feel more exhausted than being dehydrated) and my food. Finally, I forgot (for realz) until early last week that I was running an all day thing on Saturday that would have me leaving the house at 7 am on the one day I usually get to rest – and I was reassigned a role in the program on Friday at 10pm that had me up until almost 2 writing my presentation.

To top it off, I missed my last work packet on Friday because the Saturday team was going to have an early dinner while we worked. Then dinner didn’t show until late. And when it finally got there, I looked at my oh-so-virtuous order (chicken kabobs with veggies and a Greek salad) and saw that the entire thing was nested in rice.

I ate it anyway. ‘

I didn’t eat the rice, or the pita that came with the salad, but I ate the chicken without scraping off every last rice bit.

So let’s review: take a tired kitteh, dehydrate her, deny her the Noms for several extra hours, and feed her some rice bits. Any guesses as to what happened? If you think “raging carb cravings within an hour” you are SPOT ON. I resisted them all that night, throughout the torture of being awake until 2am plus, but when confronted with the brunch food at the event (“it’s just eggs!”) I caved. FYI? QUICHE is NOT just eggs. So I ate quiche. And fruit. And I had no business touching any of it, but by the time I was done I realized I was going to have to detox AGAIN for the third time since July and I am REALLY IRKED at myself.

Not for the going off plan, but for the getting myself so worn down and tired and dehydrated that going off plan seemed the easiest thing to do.

It is NOT easy. It is NEVER easy. Because getting back on plan is HELL ON EARTH and it gets easier and easier, the longer you are off, to put off the process.

End result: I am nearly comatose right now. Last night at 11:17 pm, I got sick of the whole being a sick exhausted mess, and went to bed. So I snagged almost seven hours sleep, broken up by the fact that No. 2’s sinus infection seems to be moving into his chest (despite being on an antibiotic) and he coughed all night. It was not enough. But it was a start.

So here I am, moaning.

Now, nefar-fear. i am not moaning for no reason. I am here to tell you that I have had my epiphany (right about 11:17, in fact).

It will not be easy to get back on plan. In fact, “Hell On Earth” is a fair assessment. It will require fortitude and discipline, both of which are in short supply when you are exhausted. But I am going to treat this as if I were ill (I will be soon for realz if I don’t). Early bed. Coddling as best I can manage it. Because the fact is, as hard as it is going to be to get BACK on plan, it is easier RIGHT NOW than it will be if I cheat at lunch. Or if I am off the rest of today. Really, it will get harder and harder. And I am NOT willing to gain weight back. And I am NOT willing to end the year at less than 50 lbs down (275) and in fact, I am NOT CONTENT WITH 50, unless I have done everything I can to move past it and I am stalled.

So, here’s a reminder, insidious little tired kitteh: You said NO to this for the YEAR. The YEAR is not over. Do not even THINK about touching anything off plan.