in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

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Tomorrow-land and Yesterday-ville: Terrible places to live

Let’s be honest, kiddos.

Part of me is really aggravated to be losing these pound AGAIN–and both frightened and aghast at how fast I was able to go from 281 at the start of the year (just six pounds above lowest) to 300 again, all while “trying” to get started again. I mean, I maintained THROUGH THE STINKING HOLIDAYS in a 3-6 lbs band, and then I go and gain a ton of weight while I am trying to restart?

Every time I think about it, my blood boils. I get frustrated. And I want to … yeah, you guessed it. Say “screw it” and eat a french-fried shetland pony. 🙂

So this morning, I was mentally celebrating “on track!” and I had a terrible urge to start kicking myself around about the gain. I resisted it pretty hard and then this thing I saw floating on Facebook a few weeks ago popped into my head:

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future.


So I wasn’t thinking I’m depressed, but I was thinking: I am living in the past. And yeah, that is having the effect of making me depressed and want to comfort eat.

And the more I think about it, the more I think failing to live/eat/behave in THIS MOMENT is one of the core reasons I can go off track, in two different ways. So without further ado, I shall share these thoughts with you guys and then… let it go:

First, when you are “planning to start” your weight loss program, whether tomorrow, next week, or next month, you are living in the future. And that makes Lil Kitteh very anxious indeed. Planning (and not immediately implementing) just creates this pressure to hurry up and eat that thing you otherwise wouldn’t eat NOW, because tomorrow you will not be allowing yourself to have it mentality.  I’m calling that living in Tomorrow-land. In this case, I “tomorrowed” myself up 19 pounds in less than two months. Impressive, scary, and yes, frustrating. And anxious is all it gets you.

anxiety kitteh

Second, I note that during that period, I got really distracted in that period of time by how and what other people were doing. I tried things that had worked for my friends, and didn’t see great results–which gave me permission to “start over” and took me right back to Tomorrow-land. Conclusion? jealousy of other’s success is also fatal to living in present. (Footnote: especially when you had a plan that was performing AS WELL OR BETTER as anything that friends were doing!)

jealous2 jelouz kitteh


Third, just as bad as living as if you will start “tomorrow” is living in the past. Yup, my present is not as low a weight as my December was. Yup, I am having to RE-DO some hard work, because I got caught up in Tomorrow-land. But if I live in Yesterday-ville and keep beating myself up for it, I get depressed. Depressed kittehs… well, they overeat and don’t take care of themselves.

depressed kitteh cheez2 depressed kitteh cheezburger

So there you have it. I am going to do my best to stop looking for someone else’s solutions. I am going to eat right and work out today, and stop stressing about “improvements” I could make, whether from someone else’s program or from my own. And I am going to stop doing the maths over and over of where I would be if I had not had my little Jan-Feb detours. Because after all, the ROAD up the mountain may be winding, but what counts is that I GET THERE!

determination cat 1



Keeping the Faith

Here’s how my implementation of wildflowerz “shift the marbles” thingie looks:



It’s hard to read in the photo, but that’s “Going…” and “Gone!” written on there. Right now, they reside on my bookshelf next to my bed so I see them first and last thing–but I may have to move them to my cupboard at work, or downstairs to a place where I would see them when I am at a more high risk time — I never eat/drink in my room! 🙂 I picked orange because I like it, and metaphysically, it is the color for change!

I went ahead and set it up as if I weighed 295.8, which was what I saw when I peeked late last week. But this morning, I was at 297.2–a loss (I think?) from last Tuesday (official weigh in day) but I am not really sure–and NOT two pounds down.

I AM exercising, and I DID have a LOT of walking/working out/etc this weekend. I also had another TERRIBLE “on plan” weekend, in which I didn’t eat OFF plan, but I didn’t eat everything I should have eaten ON plan–low on water, vegetables and even packets, because I was running around. I know full well that if I don’t work the plan, the plan doesn’t work as well. So…

Guess what? Fast or slow, I am going to keep going. And if I have to shift some marbles back the wrong way on Tuesday, so be it. It IS temporary, after all.


Today, I am on plan.

Yesterday, I stayed on plan.

I had my packets and salmon with grilled veggies for dinner, and did not touch the chips they kept bringing to our table.

Today I got new tires on my car, I’m wrapping up a brief that has been hanging around too long, and I am scheduling some depositions that have been up in the air since last year–most likely for next week.

Today, I am on plan.

While I got my tires done, I found an interesting book that really spoke to me, in WalMart, for all of $3.79 (hardcover, listing at $25.99). It’s called The One Day Way by Chantel Hobbs, a woman who lost 180+ pounds and now is a personal trainer, etc. I’ve heard of Chantel before, in fact, I heard her interviewed on the radio at one point. She seems cool and very down to earth, with practical suggestions. But the reason this book spoke to me is, it’s about the fact that the only way to do this (where “this” is lose THIS MUCH WEIGHT) is… one day at a time.  You can’t do All.The.Days at once, you can’t re-do yesterday. You can only do TODAY, and get it the best you can.

Today, I am on plan.

Over the weekend, I am going to read the book and probably review it for you next week. I’m also going to spend some time thinking about what a single, perfect day On Plan looks like.

Then I am going to Keep Doing That.

One day at a time.

one day at a time kitteh



PS: Today scale says 294.4. Still scary.

Three perfect days down–and a thought about TRUST

Well, three days into this “realization” (for the umpteenth time) that you have to DIET to lose weight, I am down six pounds and counting. Had another half pound loss this morning and I am past the water weight for the most part (I fear) so that’s encouraging. Still waiting on the hormonal loss to kick in.

Here’s the thought I had this morning while driving to work through Yet Another Very Rainy And Trafficky Morning:

If you told a friend about something you needed that ONLY she could do, and that it was super important, and she AGREED to do it, and then bailed, you wouldn’t trust her at bit, would you?

Well, how many of us know full well what our bodies need, how important it is that they get it, and even go so far as to PROMISE to do it— and then don’t follow through?

lost kitteh's trust


It really helped me (and still does) to assign my crazier, sneakier ways of getting off plan foods to Little Kitteh, who wants what she wants when she wants it.

But I am now seeing another kitteh in here–we’ll call her Healthy Kitteh for now, unless I can think of a better name–who really WANTS to be healthy, who is crying out for the water, fresh veggies, and yes, even packets, because they make her feel so darn good.

And then there’s just Me, the one who tells Little Kitteh no (for a change) or fails to tell her no–at the expense of Healthy Kitteh.

Going to be kind to Healthy Kitteh again today. She is so very happy with eating and drinking properly.

happy kitteh happy kitteh 2


So even though I am hurting like a cussword with the about-to-change-to-snow rain (I have rheumatoid arthritis–not weight related, genetic, showed up when I was 17 and thin!) I am not consoling anyone with food or alcohol. I’m sticking with teh healthies and celebrating the fact that the pain is just joint pain now–not caused by weight but certainly more bearable now that I am not carrying so much weight around when it is hurting!


Decision Fatigue and Ego Depletion

Day three of my return to that wasteland of teaching my body it will HAVE to convert to using fat for fuel instead of the easily available glucose/sugar in carbs. It is pissy about that, and so I am tired, cranky, hungry, and annoyed that I am back here. Especially so soon. And it doesn’t help that I think it is more difficult this time, because I have so recently flipped back and forth, so my body is holding out hope that if it suffers me just a little more… Well, it ain’t gonna work. I’m done.

But that does mean that I am thinking a lot about willpower.

One of the more interesting things I’ve read about lately is “decision fatigue” — that peculiar phenomenon we have all experienced where we get so sick of making decisions that we wind up either preferring the status quo or making bad/reckless decisions. One of the more striking articles I read recently was talking about geniuses/innovators, who do things like have a “uniform” (jeans, soft collared shirt, hoodie, sneakers) that they don to avoid making that a decision.

This makes great sense to me. The more routine decisions we can make ahead of time, the more energy we have left to make OTHER decisions.

So what is decision fatigue, exactly? I won’t be able to summarize better than this article from the New York Times, but you should read it and think about the implications. No, really. Go read it. I’ll wait.

OK, so let’s think about this:

  • Making too many other decisions makes you reckless.
  • Making decisions uses up your willpower.
  • Glucose refreshes your willpower.

I think THAT may be one reason Medifast has been so effective for me. The decision is made on what to eat. The glucose (10 grams of carb at a time) gets replenished very regularly, every 2-3 hours so even though I definitely get rumbly in the tumbly, as Pooh would say, I don’t get low blood sugar/sick/headachey hungry.

I also think that maybe why everything gets so exponentially harder when I pile more and more things on my “to do” plate for weight loss. “Eat the Noms, let that be all you eat all day, plan one healthy meal a night for five nights (for the family) and make one healthy selection at a restaurant on the other two.” Done and done. Add in “you really need to be walking. You really need to take those vitamins. you really need to do your skin brushing. you really need to drink your water…” and soon I am worn out.

Unless, of course, I make it the routine. Then i am not spending any decision energy/ego on doing them, because they just happen on autopilot.

Lots to think about here, but it is sure nice to have validation for my “make everything a routine” preferences! 🙂



So if…

Were you all wondering just how much I could lose between now and the end of 2012? What a coincidence, ME TOO! I wanted to do a “get inspired” post for myself because while it is all well and good to say “now the next 50” and be all stern and stuffs, I also want to think about what I could accomplish while I am being so NEANly virtuous for the next 18.5 weeks – all that’s left in the year (I KNOW?! Can you believe it?!)

So one way to do it is to say, if I lose…

  • just half a pound a week for 18 weeks, I would be down another 9 lbs – to a new low of 271 and down 54 for the year. That is NOT the goal, but that is kind of the worst I think I can expect if I NEAN. Just setting the parameters of my own expectations.
  • a whole pound a week for 18 weeks, I’d be down another 18 lbs – to a new low of 262, and down 63 for the year. Better, but not the goal.
  • 1.5 pounds a week on average (what I did for most of the first half of the year, on average) I’d be down another 28 lbs – to a new low of 252 or so, and a total of 73 lbs for the year. That’s quite respectable.
  • 2.0 lbs a week – reachable, with NEAN, though maybe not on average, I’d be down another 37 lbs, for a new low of 243 (!!) and a total of 82 lbs for the year.

Of course, reality will be somewhere in the middle of all of that. One thing that tracking my weight all year on the app has taught me is that you can’t tell what the heck is happening in the microcosm of the day or even week – gotta take big picture results.

So my goal, which is a STRETCH goal, is to see 250 or below on the scale by the end of the year. (And for the record, 250.9 will work just fine. 🙂 That would be 75 lbs down for the year, a nice round and inspiring number, and quite respectable.



Despite the tenor of my post-vacay posts, I have to say that I have a lot I am happy about right now, and a lot of it has to do with my clothes. In no particular order…

  • I can now wear “normal” clothes from Target and WalMart – their biggest size is even a bit loose on me. Not that I want to build my wardrobe out of Tar-zhay, but it is really, really cool to be “normal” enough to buy from the big discount chains.
  • I’m in a 22 pant, pretty solid. That’s fat clothes, but… well, it’s NORMAL fat clothes. I can buy 22s virtually anywhere and they will fit or (depending on source) be a bit big or small. I have not been in a 22 pant since before my first little Tax Deduction was born in 2005, so this is HUGE. Or rather, not as huge.
  • I’ve lost enough size that I can actually tell a difference in the time it takes to do laundry, especially dry times. Scary to think I have lost THAT much fabric!
  • I’m wearing Old Navy clothes now – and the shirts are even XLs (16-18) XXLs (18-20). I have a skirt from ON that is a 3X and it is TOO BIG. Wednesday, I ordered some more shirts and a couple skirts to beef up my back to school fall wardrobe (and prepare for that upcoming Disney vacation). Hard to explain, but being able to wear ON is a lot to me like being able to buy in Target – feels so weirdly, blessedly normal.
  • My shoes are a whole different thing: I can wear my cute sandals and stuff on normal (not heavy walking) days and my feet and knees don’t hate me!
  • My hourglass shape is back. Too big, yes, but BACK. 🙂
  • When I was visiting my MIL, we went to a ton of thrift stores looking at kid clothes. And guess what? I got a new (to me) three quarter sleeve shirt that fits nicely. And as I looked at all the super cheap clothes, I could see just how easy it will be to have a fun, cheap play clothes wardrobe next summer.

I figure I have another two months or so of hot weather here before I need my sweaters. Here’s to getting into those (to me) itty bitty Ls and Ms I bought on sale at Kohls a while back! 🙂