in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

Archive for the ‘oops’ Category

the whys of the weekend

Like I said yesterday, this weekend’s excesses were part of a larger picture. First, there was the physical trigger of the carby oranges. Oranges may not be high in calorie but they are cheating, and for good reason. Too much sugar. Second, there was the stress. I’ve had sick kids for two weeks running and really since January on and off – not only am I tired of sick kids, they are tired of each other and tired of me. And my son has now reached the stage of 3 when discipline is not just called for, it is mandatory. And I was reallllly tired of being the one doing it. Third, I have been reading archives of the overcoming obesity site and… well… where I got to in her story? she was binging. And yeah. I’m that susceptible. I did learn some other things about myself from reading it, worthwhile things that will help me succeed long term. But the short term result was that reading her binge posts was a little like reading food porn. God help me, it wasn’t the food that sounded good, it was the oblivion of the binge.

So the stage was set. Then, fourth and finally was the fact that I was really looking forward to a nice date with DH and it just didn’t materialize at all as I had planned/hoped/wanted/needed. I had planned to get dressed up and feel cute. But all of my clothes are currently too big or too small, and we had a sudden ridiculous cold snap and it was NINETEEN DEGREES, people, which also wreaked havoc on my wardrobe choices and plans. I had planned to have a nice salad to start, and the one I got was just nasty. I had planned for us to enjoy the five course Valentine meal, but every single course was bready or shellfishy or BOTH. The soup choices were clam chowder or corn chowder. Really? YUCK. My steak was good, but I was so sick of greens between the kale and the horrible salad that I did not enjoy yet MORE greens from my spinach, and they brought me sauteed instead of creamed (which was to be my indulgence). DH got mac and cheese for his side, and I was going to have a taste – a little taste – and THEY PUT LOBSTER IN IT. GROSS. Neither of us wanted dessert. Movie was good, but hard to follow at the beginning and a slow start. I hurt from the cold more than I have hurt in weeks. I was limping around like I had found the lost 25 lbs, and feeling frumpy. When we got home, DH scurried away, which I was not expecting, and i went to bed alone in a very cold room. Which was just as well, since I had major cramps.

So there you have it. All of that made me frustrated, hungry for something besides GREENS, and disappointed. And lonely. And hostile.

And I took it out on ME.

Scale today, by the way, says 302.6.

Moanday 021312

My “All” stats say that I have lost 18.2 lbs in 40 days, or about 3.2 per week.

Looking at just the last 2 weeks, I have lost 2.4 lbs in 14 days and averaged 1.2/week.

Looking at the last 4 weeks only, I have lost 4.3 in 29 days, an average of 1.1/week.

Now, two important things. First, on Friday, I was at 301. Yes, on the new scale. And my stats were MUCH better.

Second, the reason my weight was up to 303.8 this morning is not completely a fluke. You see, this weekend, I ate off plan.

It started with oranges. I bought a huge sack of naval oranges last Friday. My daughter has been sucking them down, two and three a day. I have been peeling them, and on Wednesday I had *a* slice of one with my dinner. I looked it up: 80 calories or so in the whole thing, so no biggie, rigth? Then Thursday I had three slices. On Friday, I had my own orange. And that night, I had some almonds. And some wine.

On Saturday, I went out with DH for annivalentines (our first date was on February 9, 21 years ago) and actually was very GOOD during the eating out part of the evening. Well, let me back up. The first part of the day, I went shopping for groceries and got kale to make kale chips. I figured I could have those as “greens” and had an inkling that the kids would like them, which they did. I had about a serving of them out of the oven, for somewhere around 58 calories (and in no wise 100 calories).  Then we went to a steak house that somehow in the last year since we have been there has turned into a steak and SEAFOOD house. The only things on the menu someone like me (with a shellfish allergy) could eat was the steak itself and a “field salad” and for a side, spinach. Are you seeing  a green theme here? I did have a glass of wine. Then we saw Girl with Dragon Tatoo (loved) and came home and DH scampered off to his man cave because he had problems with his computer that needed addressing. Since watching him work on his computer is about as much fun as watching paint dry, I stayed on the main floor and watched some TV. And had more wine.  And then, inexplicably, I had four squares of pizza left over from my kids’ dinner. (Homemade. I wish I could say not very tasty but it was really very good.) I don’t know what to tell you. I was hungry for real, but I could have had a brownie, as usual, or something else. I really wanted something naughty.

Sunday, I planned to turn it around. I was on plan for my first two packets, then ate turnip fries for my third meal (another experiment with kiddos) and willfully put back the salad I was planning to serve with my BBQ chicken and put mine on a wrap, just like DH’s. It was tasty (and it was a low carb wrap) and I ignored the chips, but then I came down after dinner and ate 10 bite sized chocolate pieces. Then I went downstairs and played games with DH and had two more glasses of wine and an uncounted number of his BBQ almonds. Then I came back up and had a glass of port and used the leftover chicken to make a sandwich.

Which brings me to this morning. My weight was up (shockingly) by 3.8 lbs – well, it’s shocking it wasn’t up more, actually. My head hurt when i woke up, and I am much more focused on food than I have been in weeks.  And while I type all this out, part of me – (Lil Kitteh on steroids?) is roid raging, saying SHE WOULD DO IT AGAIN AT THE FIRST CHANCE SHE GETS. What the hell?

Well, too bad, Lil Kitteh. you cannot have your way any more. I am taking back over. Now you have to go through withdrawal all over again, good job. AND  YOU WILL GO THROUGH WITHDRAWAL AGAIN.  And you will have to cope with it, sweetie pie, EVERY SINGLE TIME you cheat. So factor that in to your future deviations.

More in another post on what I think was going on in my head, but for now, that’ll do.

Cheese is my Frenemy

I have no idea if I spelled that right, but you get the idea, right?

I have known for years that when I eat cheese, I retain water. Not just a little bit of water, either – literally POUNDS of the stuff. As in, the day after a cheesy dinner, I will weigh pounds heavier. I have no real idea why that should be – is cheese salty, even though I don’t really taste salt in it?  I have a mild whey allergy, so the nutritionist I saw years ago attibuted it to the whey in cheese, but it doesn’t upset my stomach or anything.

The problem is, I ADORE cheese. I could eat rocks, if they came with cheese.

MMMMmmmmm. …. cheese…..

What? Oh. Ahem. Sorry.

So anyway. I have been sporadically weighing myself in the mornings, because I knew full well that my 12 lb drop was an abberation and I was wondering just how much I actually lost – so that I don’t get too upset when my official Monday weight is not more than 12 lbs down. And the readings I got were 304 (Monday afternoon, but that’s off because it was late afternoon) 301 (Tues morning), and 300.5  (Wednesday morning).

Last night, we had an egg casserole for dinner – very low carb, but with dairy (cheese and a splash of cream to make it fluffy) and I also had jicama.  It also had cubed ham, which was also salty. It was nummy and cheesy and a hit with the kiddos, even (!) and did I mention the cheese?

MMMMmmmmm. …. cheese…..

What? Oh. Ahem. Sorry again.

This morning, my weight said 302!!  Up from 305.5 yesterday!!!  ARG.

I’m pleased to say that I do not even remotely want to give up entirely, or smash all my eggs. But I can see that cheese for me is like that horrible boy you had a crush on in junior  high, the one you moon over and stalk and pretend is your pillow and practice kissing, and write enumerable horrible sappy notes to that, if you are very lucky, you never send because once he knows how you feel he will do something truly horrifying like laugh. That’s right, I’m pretty sure that cheese is looking at all my sappy happy love drool and laughing.

Well, so be it.

Fortunately for my sanity, I am POSITIVE that I am smaller, and I feel a TON better, and (warning: TMI coming) I am sure from the smell of my pee that I am in ketosis, which is where weight loss occurs. 🙂 So, suck it, cheese. I am getting smaller whether or not you artificially inflate my scale.

And if you are keeping score at home, that 302 still means I am down 2 lbs from the first weigh in, and 13.5 overall in less than three weeks. 🙂

Report: 64 days until my birthday

Things I am thinking about:

Just got back from a great trip to Seattle with DH and great friends, which would ONLY have been improved if I had been in better shape. Seattle is a vertical city ,clinging to the coastline – you change elevations CONSTANTLY, much like San Francisco. The first day I was fine if occasionally winded. By the end of the second my calves were killing me!

I’m tired of being tired. Today, I hurt all over. Partly that’s  from the walking/climbing, partly from the monster cramps I am enjoying (always a gift of air travel anywhere near my period) and partly jet lag. But I really and truly am tired of being tired.

I spent time with my mom and dad on the Fourth. Looking at them – they are 20 years older than me – makes me realize what I am headed for if I don’t lose the extra weight NOW. And it also stresses me out – I want THEM to lose the weight, too. Not suffer for the rest of an artificially shortened life!

So here I am. A little more than two months from forty, and while I am in much better shape than I was when Son was born (and even from this point last year) I am still not HEALTHY. Nope, nosirree bob. Not at all.

Eating well is not enough. (Although, eating better than I did on vacation and the week leading up to it would be a definite start!) My body needs to get back in fighting form. And soon.

I am tired of being so tired.

Report: 145 days to go (April 21)

Yesterday I was starving all day. No idea why – hormones? cramping? stress? all of the above?  Made it through the day on packets plus three Hershey’s kisses from the candy jar in my office mate’s office (curse her for keeping them) and a big coffee. Went home and did OK at dinner – not good on food choices (some frozen berries and three tiny BBQ sandwiches on little biscuits) but didn’t stuff myself. Put kids to bed, had THREE glasses of port (that’s too much, seriously), some microwave mac & cheese (one of those little single serving ones) with American cheese added to it, and then toast with Wensleydale cheese. I probably ate 50 times the calories sitting on my butt last night than I had consumed all day long. That is SO stupid and unhealthy.  This, if you were wondering, is an example of a Very Bad Day. 

It is killing me to say this, but if I have a glass of wine at night, I have a tendency to start munching and it accellerates – more wine, lowered inhibitions, more munchies.

Here are the things I am doing differently today (even though I will tell you RIGHT NOW that I am hungry already and feeling rebellious and not at all as contrite as I should):

1. STAY HYDRATED. I am drinking more peppermint tea/water today. I was dehydrated last night and I know that makes me treat a glass of wine like it was a thirst quencher instead of a treat to be sipped. It’s also very hard for me to tell thirst from hunger sometimes.

2. NO CAFFEINE DURING THE DAY. That coffee at 2:00 helped control my appetite but it also dehydrated me. See No. 1.

3. PICTURE MYSELF RUNNING before I come down after putting the kids to bed. During the morning and day, I keep an image in my head – me, able to run again. I want it bad. Then at night, I somehow lose touch with “that” me and find myself thinking about “relaxing” and “decompressing” and before you know it, I am eating. I’m hoping that if I force myself to spend a couple minutes thinking about what I want (to be able to run) very concretely before I go downstairs, it will help.

4.  Limit alcohol. I have not decided yet if I am going back to my “old plan” which was I could have a glass of wine ONCE a MONTH, or whether I want to allow it a certain number of times (max) per week, or what.  But I am going to have to face facts that a glass of wine makes me a thousand times more likely to eat something, and 100% more likely that if I do eat something, it will be the wrong thing.

5. STAY ACCOUNTABLE. That’s why I am typing this stupid post and humiliating myself.

6. EAT MORE OFTEN DURING THE AFTERNOON. I had those chocs instead of my last packet – about the same number of calories but NOT the same amount of full! I am going to try having my soup as the last packet before I go home so that I am fuller when I sit down to dnner. Although frankly, I was not HUNGRY when I was stuffing my face last night. I was rebellious and tired and stressed, and “treating” myself. Treating myself into an early grave, apparently. Treating myself right out of being able to run.

Oops.

Here is my (reluctant) update.  I started last week very well.  I lost 2.5 lbs by Wednesday. Wednesday I had the beginnings of what turned out to be a nasty flu. I also had a day where instead of my regular work day, I sat in a long very boring meeting ALL.DAY.LONG.  As I sat there, I drafted stories.  I wound up writing three short stories that day!  Yay!  After years of “stage fright” when it came to writing again, I was over the hump! Cause to celebrate, right?

Wednesday was also the 20th anniversary of our first date.  We had a lovely dinner out (and I had a lovely steak and stayed on plan).  Things are going well, yeah?

Only instead of being all energized by it, I found myself enormously unhappy.  I wanted more of those days – days where I could immerse myself in the stories.  Days where I was not pestered by clients or co-workers or government folks, all of whom have a perfectly valid reason to expect some of my time. 

I know. I have it better than 99% of people who would like to write in their “spare” time.  The only way it could be better would be no kids, and that’s not worth it 🙂 But oh my goodness. I was so grumped about getting back to real life, that I wanted chocolate, and in mass quantities.

I didn’t actualy EAT chocolate in mass quanitites, but I did deviate from packet land into “real” food and not even really healthy food.  I failed, and how.  I gained back, at least temporarily (cold meds are doubtless partially responsible) the 2.5 I had peeled off and another 2.  Well, the 2 are gone today after being on the wagon yesterday.  But I am no less disgruntled than when I started overeating and getting sick.  PMS? Not helping. 

So where am I?  I am avoiding beating myself up, because that juts makes me angrier and makes saying “hell with it” even more attractive than it already is.  When I see other people saying “hell with it” I always want to scream at them and slap them around (metaphorically, in most cases) because what good does THAT do? It just turns your “oops” into a massive detour.  That said, I feel like chucking the whole thing myself.  And I know that if I did, it would just be an EXCUSE to quit. It surely isn’t a REASON to quit.  That’s absurd – “I need to lose weight, here’s my plan.  Oh, I got off plan for a few days.  Now I magically don’t need to lose weight!”  ???? Of course not. 

With the flu/cold, PT got postponed.  Funny how fast people cancel your appointments when you say “flu.”  🙂  So I have to get back to that on Friday (he’s closed Tues/Thurs and today I still have a fever).  I got rid of the 2 oops pounds already.  Now to reclaim my 2.5 loss.

Oh, and here’s my new strategy (at least to get me through this period).  I usually eat a packet every 3 hours, although the “rules” say every 2 to 3 hours.  So yesterday I ate every 2 hours until dinner, then nothing after dinner.  My dinner was not the best, but it was not terrible.  And I showed a 3.5 loss.  So.  I will be eating every 2-2.5 hours for a while, until the urge to eat something naughty has passed.

Just say NO

Oops.

Athough there are many deviations possible on the way to losing another 10 lbs by Christmas, I’m pretty sure none of them include chicken parmesan, bread rolls, and smores, which formed part of my weekend’s menu.

Oh well. Back on the wagon today – i can’t say it wasn’t deliberate – and I enjoyed every bite, so does that count for something? 🙂