One of my mom’s very favorite jokes* is about an elephant and mouse who meet each other in the jungle. The mouse looks at the elephant, and loooks down at himself. He looks back up at the elephant, and back down at himself again.
Finally, he looks back at the elephant and says….
“I’ve been sick.”
Yeah, I can identify, little mouse.
I HAVE been sick, but like the size disparity in mouse and elephant, that does not really account for, explain, or excuse my current situation. Due to about 100 little things and a couple big ones, mostly at work, I have been SICK at my stomach, but I have also been:
- pissed off
- gritting my teeth
- overly emotional
And Lil Kitteh thought that maybe I just:
- needed the comfort of “real” food
- deserved to have whatever I wanted because I was stressed
- deserved to be eating badly and feeling badly because I wasn’t able to solve the real problems (so I should be punished)
- needed the escape of eating until I was numb
And really, all it did was:
- make me feel worse emotionally
- make me feel worse physically
- distract me from what I COULD HAVE been working on
- compound my physical illness and lengthen it
It really was not that bad–things like a biscuit with my eggs for a planned healthy dinner (but not 3 or 4 binge biscuits as I once would have done). Or having that glass of wine I wasn’t going to have. My calories have all been south of 1000, every single day. But my body is SO VERY RESPONSIVE to increased carbs that today, my scale said 299.0.**
I’m back on track today. And I am on track NOT because I am excited/motivated/happy/eager, but because I am completely aware that if I don’t do this now, I will be on an increasingly fast fall back into the hell I so recently escaped.
I don’t feel motivated. But I do feel determined. A little bit angry. A lot ashamed. A lot frustrated. But mostly determined. Can’t undo it–but I can STOP doing it again.
*Trust me when I say, her OTHER favorites are even worse. Yeah, explains a lot, doesn’t it?
**I don’t think that’s real. But it IS sobering.