This post was written last week and I thought was published, but here you see, it was not…. so here you go…
Yesterday’s perfect storm for binging went like this: first, I got up to 303.6 on the scale for the second day in a row. That was enough to make me want to kick the wall (or someone), throw the scale, have a big ole come-apart tantrum, and eat my revenge. To put it succinctly, I as I just saw on an anonymous comment on another blog, it made me HANGRY (hungry and angry).
Second, at work I had a telephone hearing for our big giant thirteen year old case that set the dates for dispositive motions. The dates are better than they could have been, and really about as good as I could have hoped for, but I just lost the power to celebrate Memorial Day weekend or the Fourth of July. It is totally worth it, but also totally stressful to know that This Is It, the culmination of 13 years of litigation (6.5 for me personally) and the do-or-die for whether this case will be profitable. To say we are anxious would be a massive understatement.
Third, did I mention 303.8 for the second day? If you are reading this and you are not part of the Army of Professional Dieters, let me tell you that when the scale does not behave predictably, you have an OVERWHELMING feeling of unfairness, temptation, angrehs, and hopelessness. To the “rest of the world” (“normal people”) it is supposed to take 3500 calories to equal one pound. Anyone who has dealt with obesity knows (and this is as politely as I can say it) that is utter bullshit. I told you all here about my binge last weekend. I have recorded the calories. I know I did not eat more than 3500 calories – in fact, my numbers show me eating somewhere around 500 extra calories. That should still have put me below my total daily expenditure. In other words, I should still have LOST weight, not gained, if the Smug Math People were right. Instead, I went from 301 to 303.8 – 2.8 lbs UP. And I had been telling myself “salt!” and “it will go away!” and it seemed to – dropping immediately to 302 something. But the next day, back up to 303.8 and yesterday, still at 303.8.
Fourth, I felt like I had been eternally in the 300s. Were the 200s to elude me forever? that is HARDLY a major goal, people – to lose 25 measly pounds. What the crap? (And yes, this is just a variant of 1 and 3. This is my blog. Shut up. 🙂
Fifth, I am way low on sleep. Stayed up too late playing with da hubs all week. Thoroughly enjoyed it but totally scraping bottom. And tired means no energy means want to eat because my Kitteh Brain thinks, hey, I am tired, I must have low blood sugar. I need food.
So, to recap: depressed about number on scale and “broken” body, stressed about work, and tired. Somewhere around 3:00, I suddenly wanted to eat The World. Or at least a french-fried shetland pony.
My assistant (who is fabulous in most respects but in this, Pure Evil) keeps a jar of candy on her desk. I have seriously not even NOTICED it since Jan. 1 – it has been dead to me. Yesterday, I kept eyeing it starting about 3. Then I realized she had put Reese’s hearts in it. I took two of those and a pink Starburst to my desk and ate them slowly and mindfully. This is an improvement. I still WANTED to eat ALOTMORE, but I did not. I DID start telling my friend over text that I wanted to consume the universe.
At home, we had ginger chicken, rice, and edamame. I did NOT have rice, I had my chicken atop spinach, with a whole egg and some red pepper slices and a squirt of ranch on the greens. I really wanted to be fullllllll, and I really wanted to chhhheeew. So I added protein and fat and I had a “side” of keilbasa from last night’s dinner. After dinner, I was full (though not really stuffed) and although I kept texting with my friend about making brownie batter, etc. it was starting to abate.
Put the kids to bed, made myself a Packet Brownie with nut butter on top and a giant mug of hot tea (all business as usual). And as usual, that was very relaxing and comforting, AND the hot tea made me realize that I was also very thirsty (hearing meant not the usual amount of herbal tea at work) so I had another giant hospital mug of it. And I sat and looked at my TargetWeight charts and contemplated the fact that although I was not doing well in the last two weeks, which showed a GAIN, I was really doing well overall. Thank God for that graphic.
When hubby came home, we decided to watch a DVR’d show before bed, and I decided (it was really a decision at that point, not a binge) to have some wine. I had two glasses of dry red and another packet (I had one left for the day – again, bad management during the day, due to hearing). And then I went to bed.
Today, scale says 301 again.
So, again, to recap: I did NOT eat readily available handfuls of candy, the pink strawberry fudge in the fridge, the chips or other snacks, or the rice with dinner. I pretty much stuck with my plan. I even managed to have a controlled amount of wine and NOT to add a lot of other food. In days of yore, a day like yesterday would have turned into a HUGE binge – picking up pizza for dinner, making something naughty for dessert, continuing to eat cheese toast all night, etc. So that’s fabulous, right?
And during the Battle Not To Binge, I SRSLY kept thinking about the tools I have been discussing here: distraction, substitution, and taking the long term view.
So I am going to call it all a success and say I practiced using my “resistance” muscle instead of my “giving in” muscle.