in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

Got a package last week from my inlaws that included a set of prints from their Christmas visit. All taken by my FIL, the world’s WORST photographer, and some on Christmas morning, when I was, shall we say, not at my best.

(Let me just interject that one of the hardest part of parenting life for me to adjust to was the idea that we would have OTHER PEOPLE in our home on Christmas morning. I didn’t grow up that way – to me, it is one of the most intimate family moments of the year – and having people there, even my beloved inlaws, was very hard. Having Other People With Cameras kind of made me freaky nuts, but I can’t do anything about it. I know, you are thinking you have a way around it, but you are wrong. Trust me on this.)

These pictures were the most gawdawful thing I have ever seen. Think this:

Only less attractive.

It was like a perfect storm of hideousness. I was wearing a soft velour robe in a soft brown that turns out to catch the light in a horrible, glowy way that makes me appear even larger than I am. I was wearing my glasses, which (due to my extreeeeeeme nearsightedness) shrink my eyes to tiny pig eyes. I had my hair up on top of my head in a high pony, making my tiny little head utterly – or should I say udderly – out of proportion to my giant jiggly body. And speaking of udderly? Yeah, you guessed it. No bra. Just nightgown and then robe. I thought the robe was thick enough to make it OK, and I was right as far as nipples go – but with nothing to confine my mammoth knockers, they were aknockin all over the place – wonky, uneven, and frankly repulsive.

Now honestly, I am not one to get down on myself. I like to try and find the bright side. But these pictures – OYE!! They are quite truthfully the most hideous photographs I have ever taken.

After 52 weeks of good behavior, I am hopeful I will be less Hutt-like and more human. But at the very least? That hideous robe is going off to Goodwill NOW.


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