I just spent about two hours going through old posts and fixing the categories. In order to categorize correctly, I had to scan the contents of a lot of the old posts because the title didn’t tell me enough. Here is what I learned:
- I talk too much about what I want to do, and what I want to accomplish.
- I don’t actually follow through very well.
- It is astounding how often I said it would be OK to (not eat the L&G meal strictly, have wine at night, have open weekends, fill in the blank) and still lose weight, in the face of OBVIOUS FACTUAL CONTRADICTION.
- The record of my false starts is just plain embarrassing.
It’s not that I didn’t know about 1 and 2, but 3 and 4 were a bit of a spit in the eye, if you want to know the truth.
And it is very saddening, not to mention embarrassing, to see all the times I have said I’d like to be at such and such weight by thus and so event. Know what? if I had not stopped, if I had perservered, I would be “there” – where ever that was – by now for sure. Instead, I am (as of this morning) at 304, 17 lbs above the lowest I have been since starting this blog. Even if you take the last official weight of 294.5, I am still trying to “recover” a weight loss of 7 lbs that I gave up at some point.
What does this mean for me, today?
Well, it really reinforces my decision for 2012 to be the fifty-two weeks of discipline – regardless of results – and taking the trust and see approach to whether it will do any good.
Here’s the big take away: I have an out of control, spoiled brat of an “Inner Child” who is badly in need of some parenting. She has been doing whatever she wanted to, all the while placating me with crap about how it was OK because I “planned it, and don’t regret it” or because that is “in the plan.” Pardon me, Lil Kitteh, but that is utter hogspit.
And the sweet parent in my head, Softie Kitteh, she says back: my deepest fear is that my body does not work the way it is supposed to – that other people can lose weight but I cannot – or at least, I cannot lose as fast or without twice as much work or more. And just in sitting here, thinking about that, I realize that truly I am not “afraid” I can’t lose weight or that something is wrong with me, I am ANGREH, very ANGREH, that I have to work harder at it than other people.
Well, well, well. Ain’t that a kick in the teeth.*
Truth of the matter is, I DO have to work harder than some other people. Whether it is because I have lost a lot of muscle tone with all the bed restiness, or because I am short, or because I had a different genetic makeup, whatever – I see all the time people eating MORE than me and losing MORE weight. And that makes my Lil Kitteh inside verrra angreh.
So, says I to Lil Kitteh, so what? In the scheme of things, you hit the genetic jackpot. You are smart, you have many talents and choices, you are not oddly shaped, you haz all your bits. You haz parents what lurve you, your own family who also lurves you, and even a husband who lurves you trulymadlydeeply despite the extra weight. So you have to be rigid with diet to get this fat off. Tough break, kid. Deal with it. GET OVER IT. Because frankly, your airy-voice-of-denial crap is on my last nerve. You CANNOT eat what you want once a day, or on weekends, or both, and lose weight. You CANNOT drink a load of wine calories every night and lose weight. You CANNOT afford to dump cream in your coffee, and just because you “plan” and “don’t regret” cheats and binges DOES NOT MEAN that the calories magically don’t count!
Ugh. It really is time and away for me to ditch Softie Parent’s Voice of Rationalization and get spunky with my inner baby kitteh.
*spit in eye, kick in teeth… apparently I am feelin a bit violent today 🙂