in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

I’m just jumping back in and not trying to catch up, or I will never do it, because even though life is slightly less crazy right now, it is not so slow that I can do individual days for twenty days or whatever it would be. Since this is for me anyway, I am going to try and LET IT GO. Ha.

So in the last 20 days I have had a few perfect days, a few perfectly awful days, and mostly middling days. I have a terrible period ATM, and no idea what my weight is because I don’t weigh those days – it varies too wildly with water up and then way down and then way up again. So I will update on that in a day or two.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why I overeat.  Here is my observation: I work really hard. I work hard at work, I work hard at being a mom, I work hard at being a wife, I work hard at being a keeping-the-household going smoothly person (whatever that title is). I work hard to participate in my church, to help DH with his school work, to make sure we have healthy meals, to help anyone who needs something, to participate in Daughter’s school, to grow as a person, to meet my obligations to friends.

I make plenty of mistakes, but they are mistakes, not “didn’t tries.” I sometimes choose to do A not B because of priorities, because that’s inevitable with as many plates as I juggle. But I do not ever – seriously, EVER – say ‘hell with it all, I am not in the mood, I’m just sitting this one out and reading a book/watching TV/going shopping/surfing/gaming.”

But the closest I come to that is with food. I treat food like it is some reward for doing all the other things well. You filed a brief, went to the store, served a good meal, volunteered at school, make it to chiropractor, and provided a sounding board for a friend. Good job. Have a cookie. You deserve to sit here on the couch and relax and eat/drink whateverthehell you want, because by golly the rest of the day has been all about everyone BUT you.

It’s also the area where I tolerate mistakes from myself. When I mess up on any of that other stuff, I beat myself up good and hard. I dropped a ball, I didn’t do it right, etc. etc. Usually that ends with a feeling that I am such a bad mother/friend/wife/whatever. Well, not really that I am BAD, just not GOOD ENOUGH.  But when I mess up food, my brain thinks well, you were entitled, and it only hurts YOU, so you can decide whether you want one more area to try to be perfect in, or not.

Living in the middle days, where I don’t do everything right, is hard for me. Because usually it is a conscious decision, not a mistake. I COULD HAVE found time to walk my mile but I DID NOT. I could have passed on lunch out, not had a second helping at dinner, left off the wine at night. None of that is unavoidable, or based on priorities, or anything but ME deciding that’s what I WANT more than I want to be skinny.

So… how do I turn that around? How do I learn to WANT (for me, no one else) to be healthy, thin, comfortable, active, attractive, and did I say healthy? more than I want that glass of wine/that other glass of wine/to sit still/to eat another helping of food?

And barring that, how do I learn to live in the middle instead of either PERFECT or OFF PLAN?

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