in which Kitteh shrinks away oodles of fluff

Still gritting my teeth

Yesterday I was on plan all day. I had a reasonable dinner. Then last night I had wine, crackers, and Nutella. Yes, Nutella. Why? Because I wanted it. It’s like something in me thinks I am “showing them” when I eat – but who are “They” and why the heck would they care that I eat?

Honestly, it feels very defiant. Like by eating something (when I am NOT even hungry) I am taking control of ONE THING. Even if everything else is totally out of control. Which it isn’t. But it feels that way right now, for some reason.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really empathize with anorexics – when you read bout the stuff they write, it is often about CONTROL. They want to show that they CONTROL everything that goes in their mouth, that they can rise above the needs of their body and find some kind of purity in starvation.

For whatever reason, I feel that way about eating. I can eat whatever, and you can’t stop me. I may not be able to have one single second when I am not a lawyer, mom, wife, church member, daughter, or SOMETHING, but BY GOLLY I WILL EAT WHAT I WANT.

Yeah. Look how well THAT is serving me.

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